‘I can see you’re busy, but …’ These could be six of the most dreaded words you’ll ever hear from a boss or a work colleague.
And you know what’s coming after those words? Something like this …‘Could you do me a quick favour? It should only take you a few minutes.’ (Interestingly, have you noticed it NEVER takes a few minutes?) And, before you know it, you’re re-organising your work or life schedule, to fit in another person’s request, only afterward realising, it would probably have been better to say, ‘No.’
It is always those requests in disguise, isn’t it? The “deceptive” requests, as Stephen Covey, author of “Seven Habits of Highly Effectively People”, categorises them. They arrive, seemingly from out of nowhere, disguised as something urgent and important, marginal in value, and yet you agree to take them on.
Covey is not saying it’s the requestor of these requests who’s being deceptive; instead, it’s the deceptive nature of the request itself that you should become alert to.
Perhaps these requests seem important because they are coming from someone like a boss (i.e. someone with positional power) and you automatically respond to them as a priority. Even worse, because they arrive, unexpectedly, and at the worst possible moment in time, like when you’re about to head out the door, to take lunch, or head home for the day. These requests ‘appear’ to be something you must deal with right away.
So, what do you do in these moments? Do you respond automatically with a, ‘yes’, only to later regret it, castigating yourself and asking yourself, why did I agree to do this? Do you simply ignore that uncomfortable feeling of hesitation and say, ‘yes’, just to avoid rocking the boat?
If this scenario is familiar to you, and you find that little two-letter word, ‘n-o’ difficult to say, then fear not.
Over many years of workshopping the question, ‘Why do we say ‘yes’, when we should say, ‘no’?, I’ve established the four (4) most common reasons why people find it difficult to say, ‘no’, and I’ve created my 5 C’s of saying, ‘no’!
Firstly, here are the 4 most common reasons why people find it difficult to say, ‘no’:
Because they believe it’s their job to do things for others.
Because they’re a good and kind person and good people are always helpful.
Because of that overwhelming instant feeling of pressure to commit that comes over them within milliseconds and besides, it would be rude not to say, ‘yes’, they say.
Because they value and respect the person who is making the request and to deny them would be disprespectful.
Now, here are my ‘5 C’s of saying, ‘No’, to protect your own priorities. They are:
CLARIFY with open and probing questions (seek to understand the requestor, rather than responding first) Establish what the requestor is asking for, then pause and simply paraphrase back to them what you’ve heard, being sure to confirm you’ve fully understood their request. This first step shows you’ve been listening, and it gives you the initial ‘head-space’ to begin thinking about what is being asked of you.
CREATE THINKING SPACE FOR YOURSELF helps you immensely. It’s like walking out of the fog and into the clear when you see everything for what it truly is. After listening to the answers to all of your questions about the request, ask the following commitment question: ‘I’d like to get back to you in xx number of minutes/days after I’ve reviewed the task/my current schedule and commitments, etc., and then we can discuss how we might make this work for both of us. Would that work for you?’
This simple question may allow you the window of time to acknowledge how you feel about the request and give a more considered response. It will also make it very clear to the requestor, that you are a self-managed, well-organised, and self-disciplined individual. Have you ever noticed that people tend to value and respect these qualities in a person?
CHECK YOUR CALENDAR (diary/schedule/plan) and consider the impact of your decision (yes or no) on your current commitments, thinking also about other parties who may be affected by your decision. Consider the question: Does saying ‘no’ to this request create more possibilities, or does it create more challenges and difficulties further down the track, especially given your current commitments?
Also, consider what you may be ‘sacrificing’, should you decide to say, ‘yes’.
Will you be sacrificing something value-adding to the achievement of your own goals and needs?
Will a ‘yes’, pull you away from what matters most to YOU, your goals and commitments?
Could there be another way the requestor’s needs could be fulfilled without involving you?
What other options and ideas are possible, with regard to this request?
COMMUNICATE your decision to the requestor, assertively and respectfully, showing that you’ve thought it through. Be clear, firm, and confident in your response. For example, say something like, ‘Thanks for giving me some time to think through your request. I’ve decided on this occasion to say… ‘(deliver your ‘yes’ or ‘no’) and follow it with a reason (this is not always necessary, but sharing your reasoning may be helpful). Be certain to give reasons, but definitely DO NOT give excuses, to your requestor.
CONCLUDE THE DELIVERY OF A ‘NO’, WITH CONFIDENCE, reassuring the requestor that whilst you’ve said ‘no’ to this request, they are more than welcome to come back to you, should their needs not be met in some other way by someone else, or at another time.
Give them some options that work with your schedule, if at all possible. For example, say something like: ‘If my circumstances change, I will definitely let you know. Please come back to me if I can assist you in any other way at another time, perhaps tomorrow at 3 pm, if that suits you?’
This step may involve some negotiation between you and the requestor, should they see other possible ways you could assist them - but at least this conversation will be on your own terms and at the very least you will not be later burdened with that feeling of regret for saying, ‘yes’, when you should have said, ‘No!’.
I encourage you to practice using my 5 C’s for saying, ‘no’ daily, to:
develop better decision-making habits;
recognise and respond to the emotions you feel in a way that empowers you to make informed decisions, before giving your response, only to later regret it, and;
deliver your response with confidence; in a way that maintains and enhances your valued relationships whilst protecting your own planned work or life priorities.
Share with me some of your own challenges and/or your tips for dealing with those pesky requests that just seem too easy to say, ‘yes’ to, when you know you should just say, ‘no’.
Check out my 3.5-hour virtual workshop overview, Learning to say, ‘no’ and contact me, if your team or your organisation can benefit from developing the art of saying, ‘no’ to protect priorities and self-manage better.
R:-)