You’re speaking, but is anyone listening?

Looking out to an audience of 20 face-masked individuals at the start of the COVID-19 Pandemic is something I will never forget, as an experienced facilitator and learning professional.

This was a first for me, and even as we head into 2022, I suspect it is probable that the wearing of face masks, where social distancing is not possible, for our health and safety will continue, as we wage this battle against COVID-19.

In my 30 years of delivering learning programs, presenting workshops face-to-face with audiences of all shapes and sizes, it was truly a cathartic moment, when I realised that I was speaking from behind a face mask, so how could I really be sure anyone was listening to me?

My participants were also wearing masks, so how could this possibly be an effective communication exchange, I wondered? I just couldn’t tell by looking.

George Bernard Shaw (Irish Author & Humourist 1856-1950) said it best with his famous quote: ‘the single greatest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place.’

Or, as William H. Whyte described it in an article titled, ’Is Anybody Listening?’, published in “Fortune” magazine in 1950, ‘The great enemy of communication, we find, is the illusion of it. We have talked enough, but we have not listened. And by not listening we have failed to concede the immense complexity of our society–and thus the great gaps between ourselves and those with whom we seek understanding.

As a conscious communicator, and someone whose field of work relies heavily on both speaking and listening, I am well aware of the many barriers that make communication challenging for both the sender and receiver of messages.

So, when public health orders forced us into a corner, mandating the wearing of face masks where social-distancing was not possible (and this included training rooms), I could never have anticipated the challenges I would face in my attempts to facilitate workshops filled with people wearing face-masks.

What did I discover through this masked-up facilitation experience? Quite simply, it was these three (3) things:

1. From behind a mask, it’s difficult to read a person’s eye communication.

   I immediately noticed that a ‘masked’ person’s eye contact can be either minimally expressive, excessively expressive, or anywhere on a broad spectrum of expressions, including micro-expressions of the upper facial region, such as a frowning brow, squinting eyes, or fluttering of eyelashes.

   Without the additional clusters of facial expressions, such as lip movement, mouth movement, cheek movement, teeth showing, or not. Without pursed lips or an open beaming smile, without the nose and cheekbones, or a slightly dimpled cheek to go by, I found it so very difficult to pick up on the usual body language cues I have traditionally become accustomed to. This mask-wearing workshop was extra-hard work!

   What did this lead to? It naturally led to both me, and the participants, asking a lot more clarifying questions, checking in with each other to see if we’d understood, and interpreted each other's communication correctly.

   That was fine, except those conversations felt so much more stilted and awkward, and they lacked a natural flow. This was particularly evident in the earlier parts of the conversation, when building rapport. It was so difficult to feel a sense of ‘connection’ with my audience; so much more challenging than I’d ever encountered before.

2. My confidence as a communicator was deeply affected by a masked-up audience. Did this mean those I was communicating with were also feeling uncertain about me being masked up?

   How did I know my audience was listening to me? With my face mask on, my audience was also relying solely on my tone of voice, very limited eye communication, and facial expression. All they had was my other body language movements and gestures, which I might have intentionally or unintentionally sent mixed signals their way, without factoring in the lack of facial expressions to support my intentions.

   I realised pretty quickly, in the past I’d kind of taken for granted, that people were listening and understanding me, and with face masks on, well, I just couldn’t be sure any longer.

   To manage this, I felt it was best to address ‘the elephant in the room’ with my audience, reminding them to be courageous, and speak up if they missed out on something being said, or if they felt they’d been misunderstood, to simply clarify their point. I made a point of setting the pace by paraphrasing and checking my understanding with them much more often as well. This approach quickly paid off, making everyone, including me, much more comfortable from the outset.

3. I was reminded of that old saying when someone tells you that they’ve misunderstood your message, and they say: It’s not what you said, but HOW you said it!

   How did I know people were listening, if they couldn’t fully read the ‘HOW’ of my communication, and how could I successfully read theirs?

A very famous study, known as Silent Messages, by Albert Mehrabian (1971) tells us that our face-to-face communication impacts those receiving our messages in three (3) ways:

1. Through the words they hear from the speaker (i.e. the verbals);

2. Through the tone of voice they detect from the speaker (i.e. the para-verbals); and

3. Through body language signals (i.e. the non-verbals).

Meharabian reported that, in a face-to-face communication 93 percent of our communication is interpreted through non-verbals, and the remaining 7 percent through our words (verbals).

His study reminds us that our verbals and non-verbals must be congruent - they must match. Because, if the receiver is uncertain, they will interpret the non-verbals as ‘the’ message. This means we must consciously work to ensure that what we say is supported by our para-verbals and body language, including the full range of facial expressions.

With the wearing of face masks during my workshops, participants couldn’t see all of the expressions on my face, and I definitely couldn’t see theirs. So, how much were they relying on my remaining non-verbals, or body language signals, such as hand gestures, movement and stance?

Was my tone of voice, coupled with my words and minimal facial expressions enough to ensure my communication was understood?

All I could do was check in with my participants, even more than I usually would. I clarified, questioned, and paraphrased what I’d heard from them, even more than I’ve ever done in my whole life! To say these workshops were exhausting is quite an understatement. If it was like that for me, how was it for them, I thought?

When I concluded my final face-to-face workshop before going into lock-down, in late March 2020, I was both physically and mentally drained, and to be honest, very concerned about the future of face-to-face workshop learning.

Most concerning was that my participants also seemed to have lower energy than they would usually have during my workshops, and I could only put this down to the wearing of masks.

As a career learning and development professional, it truly brought into question: What is the future of workshop learning, during COVID-19?.

In these ‘masked-up’ workshops, I was working so much harder as a communicator, or was this added feeling of exhaustion occurring just because I was communicating in a new way, and over time I would simply, get used to it?

Would my audiences ever be able to return to these types of learning experiences again, I wondered?

Fast forward two years down the track, and I must be honest, I’ve become more comfortable wearing mandated face masks and I am absolutely a Convert to using Zoom for virtual workshops, not as a substitute, but as an alternative to face-to-face workshops.

But, I do look forward to the day when my Face-to-face workshops will return to allowing everyone to benefit from being able to communicate face-to-face, taking into account as many or all of the non-verbals, para-verbals, and verbals we so naturally rely upon as effective communicators.

Finally, one of my highest values, as a learning professional, is human connection and I truly feel that masking up during the Pandemic has deprived me and others of this to a large degree.

I yearn for the day when, once again, I get to ‘feel’ the energy of the participants in my workshops; where I get to look out to a room full of faces and truly ‘read the room’, once again.

What have you discovered about the impact of your communication with others, being masked up during the COVID-19 Pandemic? I’d love to hear your stories, your challenges, and importantly, how you overcame them.

R:-)

Your audience wants you to succeed

According to the Book of Lists (Wallenchinsky, Wallace & Wallace, 1977), the number #1 fear of all fears is public speaking, and the 7th fear of all is dying! How could it possibly be that a person would rather die than give a speech or presentation?

Approximately 4 out of 10 people have some fear or anxiety dealing with speaking in front of groups and people who have this fear can experience all kinds of symptoms, including sweaty palms, accelerated heart rate, memory loss, and even difficulty in breathing.

Even a seasoned facilitator, coach, and speaker like me will have some anxiety when speaking in front of a group of people. This is perfectly normal and the best way to deal with this anxiety is to first acknowledge that such a fear is perfectly normal and you are not alone.

Recent findings in the field of neuroscience, where tremendous progress has been made researching how the brain detects and responds to threats, tells us that the fear you feel when you’re about to present, occurs as a result of the arousal of your body’s autonomic nervous system, triggering a fight-flight-or-freeze reaction.

The moment you stand to deliver a presentation, your body is automatically placed, ‘on-guard’, ready to respond to any potential threat to your life, pumping out a raft of hormones such as adrenaline and cortisol, to name just two! Quite simply, an audience seated before you is detected by your brain as a potential threat, just as it would have detected the Sabre-tooth Tiger as a threat to you life, as Primitive Man.

Your brain’s incredible inbuilt survival mechanism automatically generates negative thoughts about you, your situation and those people ‘out there’, without you even being aware of it, leading to a loss of confidence and ultimately an uncomfortable and poor presentation, or speech.

The good news is … there are many techniques, approaches, and strategies a speaker can use to manage their performance anxiety, many of which I cover in my workshops: Speaking and Presenting, Presenting Virtually, and Speaking off the Cuff.

Of all the tips I share in my workshops, one of the simplest and hottest tips I give to my participants is to simply LOVE YOUR AUDIENCE … and remember … THEY WANT YOU TO SUCCEED!

How could it be that simple, I hear you ask?

When I say, LOVE YOUR AUDIENCE, I am recommending the following actions:

1. ALWAYS research your audience and find out as much as you can about them, prior to your presentation.

   Explore the audience demographic, asking: Who are these people? What are their reasons for being there? what challenges are they are hoping to overcome by hearing your speech or presentation? what are their motivations, their needs, and interests in relation to your topic, etc?

2. As people are arriving at your speaking venue, GREET THEM warmly, and USE THEIR NAME, at least once. Introduce yourself as the speaker and enjoy some small talk to ‘breaking the ice’, so to speak.

   This basic, polite, and socially expected social interaction will trigger off a wonderful ‘reward’ response in your amazing brain, releasing a raft of ‘feel- good’ hormones like oxytocin, rather than the more challenging and less useful hormones and neuropeptides, triggered by your brain’s automated threat response, such as norepinephrine, adrenaline, and cortisol (the ‘stress’ hormone!).

   Interestingly, the simple act of using someone’s name will begin to comfort your brain, as well as theirs, into feeling a sense that you are both ‘friends, not foe (enemies)’ - this is once again your beautiful brain just doing its job, trying to protect you from potential threats. Help your brain to recognise your ‘friends’ in the audience.

3. Before you start: Make EYE CONTACT with a few people, deliver a GENUINE SMILE, and CONVERT ANY NEGATIVE ‘SELF-TALK’ to more positive, helpful thoughts.

   A few moments before you open your mouth to begin your speech, or presentation, look out to a few individuals in your audience, one person at a time, and simply make eye contact with them (especially if you remember meeting them at the door). Give those few familiar faces your most sincerest, warmest, and genuine smile and they will most likely smile back.

   Set your focus on sending out positive energy to your audience, thinking about them as the most wonderful, intelligent, interested-looking crowd of people; rather than the alternative thinking of, ‘Oh no … look at how many people are out there. They look scarey. I’m scared. I feel nervous, etc.’

   You’ll be amazed at how this simple approach of sharing a genuine smile with individuals and working on your own ‘self-talk’ will help you to de-escalate the possible rising anxious feeling that your brain’s automated response triggers so instinctively well, at the worst time possible!

So the next time you feel that anxious rising performance anxiety, try my 3 tips and share with me some of your best tips for managing the number #1 fear of all fears. I’d love to know what already works for you.

R:-)

The 5 C's of saying, 'No'.

‘I can see you’re busy, but …’ These could be six of the most dreaded words you’ll ever hear from a boss or a work colleague.

And you know what’s coming after those words? Something like this …‘Could you do me a quick favour? It should only take you a few minutes.’ (Interestingly, have you noticed it NEVER takes a few minutes?) And, before you know it, you’re re-organising your work or life schedule, to fit in another person’s request, only afterward realising, it would probably have been better to say, ‘No.’

It is always those requests in disguise, isn’t it? The “deceptive” requests, as Stephen Covey, author of “Seven Habits of Highly Effectively People”, categorises them. They arrive, seemingly from out of nowhere, disguised as something urgent and important, marginal in value, and yet you agree to take them on.

Covey is not saying it’s the requestor of these requests who’s being deceptive; instead, it’s the deceptive nature of the request itself that you should become alert to.

Perhaps these requests seem important because they are coming from someone like a boss (i.e. someone with positional power) and you automatically respond to them as a priority. Even worse, because they arrive, unexpectedly, and at the worst possible moment in time, like when you’re about to head out the door, to take lunch, or head home for the day. These requests ‘appear’ to be something you must deal with right away.

So, what do you do in these moments? Do you respond automatically with a, ‘yes’, only to later regret it, castigating yourself and asking yourself, why did I agree to do this? Do you simply ignore that uncomfortable feeling of hesitation and say, ‘yes’, just to avoid rocking the boat?

If this scenario is familiar to you, and you find that little two-letter word, ‘n-o’ difficult to say, then fear not.

Over many years of workshopping the question, ‘Why do we say ‘yes’, when we should say, ‘no’?, I’ve established the four (4) most common reasons why people find it difficult to say, ‘no’, and I’ve created my 5 C’s of saying, ‘no’!

Firstly, here are the 4 most common reasons why people find it difficult to say, ‘no’:

1. Because they believe it’s their job to do things for others.

2. Because they’re a good and kind person and good people are always helpful.

3. Because of that overwhelming instant feeling of pressure to commit that comes over them within milliseconds and besides, it would be rude not to say, ‘yes’, they say.

4. Because they value and respect the person who is making the request and to deny them would be disprespectful.

Now, here are my ‘5 C’s of saying, ‘No’, to protect your own priorities. They are:

1. CLARIFY with open and probing questions (seek to understand the requestor, rather than responding first) Establish what the requestor is asking for, then pause and simply paraphrase back to them what you’ve heard, being sure to confirm you’ve fully understood their request. This first step shows you’ve been listening, and it gives you the initial ‘head-space’ to begin thinking about what is being asked of you.

2. CREATE THINKING SPACE FOR YOURSELF helps you immensely. It’s like walking out of the fog and into the clear when you see everything for what it truly is. After listening to the answers to all of your questions about the request, ask the following commitment question: ‘I’d like to get back to you in xx number of minutes/days after I’ve reviewed the task/my current schedule and commitments, etc., and then we can discuss how we might make this work for both of us. Would that work for you?’

   This simple question may allow you the window of time to acknowledge how you feel about the request and give a more considered response. It will also make it very clear to the requestor, that you are a self-managed, well-organised, and self-disciplined individual. Have you ever noticed that people tend to value and respect these qualities in a person?

3. CHECK YOUR CALENDAR (diary/schedule/plan) and consider the impact of your decision (yes or no) on your current commitments, thinking also about other parties who may be affected by your decision. Consider the question: Does saying ‘no’ to this request create more possibilities, or does it create more challenges and difficulties further down the track, especially given your current commitments?

   Also, consider what you may be ‘sacrificing’, should you decide to say, ‘yes’.

   • Will you be sacrificing something value-adding to the achievement of your own goals and needs?

   • Will a ‘yes’, pull you away from what matters most to YOU, your goals and commitments?

   • Could there be another way the requestor’s needs could be fulfilled without involving you?

   • What other options and ideas are possible, with regard to this request?

4. COMMUNICATE your decision to the requestor, assertively and respectfully, showing that you’ve thought it through. Be clear, firm, and confident in your response. For example, say something like, ‘Thanks for giving me some time to think through your request. I’ve decided on this occasion to say… ‘(deliver your ‘yes’ or ‘no’) and follow it with a reason (this is not always necessary, but sharing your reasoning may be helpful). Be certain to give reasons, but definitely DO NOT give excuses, to your requestor.

5. CONCLUDE THE DELIVERY OF A ‘NO’, WITH CONFIDENCE, reassuring the requestor that whilst you’ve said ‘no’ to this request, they are more than welcome to come back to you, should their needs not be met in some other way by someone else, or at another time.

   Give them some options that work with your schedule, if at all possible. For example, say something like: ‘If my circumstances change, I will definitely let you know. Please come back to me if I can assist you in any other way at another time, perhaps tomorrow at 3 pm, if that suits you?’

   This step may involve some negotiation between you and the requestor, should they see other possible ways you could assist them - but at least this conversation will be on your own terms and at the very least you will not be later burdened with that feeling of regret for saying, ‘yes’, when you should have said, ‘No!’.

I encourage you to practice using my 5 C’s for saying, ‘no’ daily, to:

• develop better decision-making habits;

• recognise and respond to the emotions you feel in a way that empowers you to make informed decisions, before giving your response, only to later regret it, and;

• deliver your response with confidence; in a way that maintains and enhances your valued relationships whilst protecting your own planned work or life priorities.

Share with me some of your own challenges and/or your tips for dealing with those pesky requests that just seem too easy to say, ‘yes’ to, when you know you should just say, ‘no’.

Check out my 3.5-hour virtual workshop overview, Learning to say, ‘no’ and contact me, if your team or your organisation can benefit from developing the art of saying, ‘no’ to protect priorities and self-manage better.

R:-)